20 Reasons You’ll Hate Going on an Antarctic Cruise

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“Going on an Antarctic cruise will change your life.” Ha! Do these people really think we’re going to fall for that old line? We know that change is bad. We like our lives just the way they are – the exact same routines day in and day out. We certainly don’t need any life-changing adventures shaking things up, thank you very much.

So if those adventure-loving do-gooders come a’callin’ telling you how wonderful a trip to our southern continent would be, you can just shoot right back with these 20 reasons why you’ll be staying right where you are.

You can see everything you want to see from your cubicle

Sure, fine, Antarctica is made up of views stuffed full of ruggedly beautiful mountains and pristine waters, but we don’t want to have to spend the money paying for more camera memory cards to capture all that scenery.

Antarctica December 2010, PLA023, Antarctic Peninsula with South Shetlands, Plancius: Danco Island

Exercise, yuck

Oh, we can take hikes through unspoiled scenery? Big deal. We hike to the vendor machine every day to spoil ourselves with a seven weeks old treat.

Antarktische Halbinsel, Errera-Kanal, Passagier der “Plancius fotografiert einen vegletscherten Berg, Antarktis 17.11.2013 Engl. Antarctica, Antarctic Peninsula, Errera Chanel, passenger on the bow deck of the “Plancius” is taking a picture of a mountain, travel, cruise, polar cruise, expedition cruise, polar region, 17.November 2013

More exercise = more yuckiness

And as if all that hiking wasn’t enough, they expect you to go kayaking too. We haven’t done any paddling since our fraternity days.

You’re stuck with overachievers

Get ready to roll your eyes – these Antarctic cruise ships are full to the brim with people who like to “achieve things” and “check off things from their bucket lists”. Ug. The only thing on our bucket list involves the way Colonel Sanders presents his chicken.

Antarktische Halbinsel, Errera-Kanal, Passagier der “Plancius fotografiert einen vegletscherten Berg, Antarktis 17.11.2013 Engl. Antarctica, Antarctic Peninsula, Errera Chanel, passenger on the bow deck of the “Plancius” is taking a picture of a mountain, travel, cruise, polar cruise, expedition cruise, polar region, 17.November 2013

They’re just plain mean

It gets even worse. Look what happens if you forget to bring your dishes back at the end of a meal – they make you pull their ship just so they can save some gas money!

Antarktische Halbinsel, Deception Island, die “Plancius” stoppt in der Caldera des aktiven Insel-Vulkans, Antarktis, 19.11.2013 Engl. Antarctica, Antarctic Peninsula, Deception Island, the “Plancius” stops in the caldera of the active vulcano, travel, cruise, polar cruise, expedition cruise, polar region, 19.November 2013

The locals won’t leave you alone

So when you’re sore from all these exercises and just want some down time these guys come along and start pestering you. They’d probably kick you with their tiny penguin feet if you let them.

They’re everywhere!

There are millions of these little bullies on the continent and the sub-Antarctic islands. Humans aren’t allowed to approach them for their safety, but do the penguins abide by the same rules? They most certainly do not! They think it’s just fine to waddle right up and start hopping up and down on your foot.

It’s just the same stuff we’ve got already

Oh look, it’s the moon everybody, out during the southern continent’s days of the Midnight Sun. Well guess what Antarctica, we’ve already seen the moon. In fact, we’re all mooning you right now. Ha!

Antarktische Halbinsel, Danco Island, Schneeschuhwanderer, im Hintergrund Eselspinguine, Antarktis 17.11.2013 Engl. Antarctica, Antarctic Peninsula, Danco Island, snowshoe hiker with gentoo penguins in the background, travel, cruise, polar cruise, expedition cruise, polar region, 17.November 2013

Yes, that’s right; people go diving in the Antarctic.

We’re simply going to pretend that we don’t even see those weirdos.

Antarctic Peninsula, Foyn Harbour

Depicted: nobody we’d like to be seen associating with

He probably steals French fries too.

You can check out the bridge operations

Listen buddy, we don’t want to know how our hamburgers get made, and we don’t want to know how you do all of your boat-y stuff. All we want from you is to know which one of those buttons takes us home.

You thought the divers were nuts.

Your eyes aren’t fooling you. This “gentleman” is camping out. IN ANTARCTICA. Who would want to even step on board a ship with people who think this kind of thing is fun, never mind spending a couple of weeks with them?

Antarctic Peninsula, Foyn Harbour

They can’t even spell.

“HcutRoctich”? What does that even mean?

It’s really dangerous.

If the Star Wars prequel taught us anything it’s that having the higher ground is everything. What are these people going to do if the penguins suddenly attack? Die, that’s what.

Danger on land and sea.

As if angry mobs of penguins weren’t dangerous enough, you’re not safe on the waters either. Look at the size of this fellow’s pancake flipper!

Antarctica December 2010, PLA023, Antarctic Peninsula with South Shetlands, Plancius: Danco Island

“Oh, they’re so majestic and gentle!”

Just because nobody has been eaten by a whale yet doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen. We know they’re great communicators, so it only takes one of them to accidentally eat Ralph from Frankfurt for the message to start spreading – “Forget krill, try out the humans. Try the ones from the Netherlands – they’ve got a nice smoked flavour.”

Antarctic Peninsula, Portal Point

“They’re all going to laugh at you.”

And while the whales will be trying out the occupants of your Zodiac boat like Forrest investigating a box of chocolates this jerk will be over on an ice flow killing himself with laughter.

“Oh, it’s so pretty.”

Sure, icebergs look all pretty and clean. But that’s just Antarctica’s way of baiting you. You get drawn in as one of these majestic chunks of ice sails past and then…

Antarctic Peninsula, Paradise Harbour

BAM!

…suddenly you’re attacked by angry mobs of whales who may in the future decide to finally try out human d’oeuvres. (Sorry for scaring you but it was for your own good.)

Who wants adventures anyway?

Let those other people have their big Antarctic cruise expeditions so they can experience something out of the everyday and have lots to talk about at social gatherings. Following the same routine for the rest of our lives will suit the rest of us just fine.

Read related: Cruise Ship Slip and Fall Lawsuit.

Right? Guys?

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